I have many topics I want to share with y’all – but today’s is personal and a bit heavy. So, please, bear with me.
As I lay in bed in the middle of the day, again, staring blankly at the ceiling the truth of things hit me hard. I’m depressed, again. Screw you, brain chemistry.
I think a lot of it has to do with trying to figure out how to cope with living inside a body that won’t work the way it is supposed to. Between the fibromyalgia and the PCOS I feel like my body can’t do anything ‘right’. The fact I am still not pregnant kills me. The fact that no matter what I do lately weight loss won’t happen is upsetting. The fact that my body hurts so bad at times, for no obvious reason, that I just want to cry is beyond frustrating.
Overall, my life is pretty great. I have a loving husband. A job I enjoy, and working toward a higher education to do even better in that department. We have a roof over our heads and food in the pantry. I have access to ‘extras’ that while they seem basic to me, I know not everyone can afford them. But, things aren’t how I always pictured they would be… and it isn’t a bad thing in most cases… but sometimes when life doesn’t match the beautiful picture that has been painted in your head it can get to a person.
Depression and anxiety have been near constant companions for me for most of my adult years, and before. I have times where things are really really good and times when they are awful – thankfully the truly awful rock bottom is a place I only have been to one time. A good portion of the time things are fairly even keeled. I have coping tools that help me when things are really bad – as I really dislike medication, mainly because one hasn’t ‘worked’ for me and most have awful side effects. I know not the best excuses in the world – but here we are.
I’m an avid reader, that’s nothing new. I enjoy mental health memoirs, I always have. I think a good part of that is being able to strong identify with the author and/or main subject in the stories. Realizing that the thoughts I have aren’t all that ‘crazy’ and that I am, in fact, not alone. There is comfort in knowing you aren’t alone, even if you don’t know the person who shares in your turmoil. Misery does love company, after all.
In a lot of those books they focus on how deep into it they felt – not being able to get out of bed, shower, or basically do anything. I completely get that. I feel like there is this… part of my brain that somehow functions under depressive conditions. This part is what keeps me getting up, getting dressed, pulling forty hours a week at work, and doing all of the other life things I have to do. If that part ever totally shorts out, I am beyond screwed. I don’t know why it works even at the worst of times… but somehow, something keeps me moving forward. Barely, at times, but I’m thankful for even that.
Honestly? I’m not sure why I even felt the need to write this. I generally keep these things to myself. But with the stress of school, work, and life in general I figured maybe writing would be cathartic. That maybe, for even a few minutes, by putting words onto the screen something may make more sense.