Oi. It’s already nearing the end of June. I hate summer… for about two days I enjoy it and then I am ready to go back to chilly autumn weather and even the cold winter weather. Only good thing about summer is my birthday.
I’ve sat down to write this a few times today, as I had the day off, but the words never wanted to come to me. I get in the shower and BAM! all the words come flooding in. I need a waterproof laptop so I can type while I shower. Because, while I’ll read a physical book in the shower (yes, it can be done without ruining the book), I won’t bring electronics in… because… obvious reasons.
So, hi, friends!
My second grad school class is done. Wow. I earned an ‘A’ in the first and am hoping for the same in the second, I should know by the end of the week. Now, I am on my week break. This means I have all week to read, Netflix, and game my little heart out (aside from work, of course).
Through my limited coursework so far I have realized how much I missed school and, honestly, how well I do with school when I want to. I have gotten a lot of positive feed back from my weekly essays and research papers. Enough that I am spending time making points of things to write about because it would be stellar to be published at some point, no?
I turn 33 in just over a month. Most days I don’t even feel like an adult… but I, apparently, am one (or so I am told). I work a full time job that pays the bills. I am married. Trying to get pregnant (no luck there yet, though that’s not a shock). I go to school. But, here I am at nearly 33 asking myself what I want to be when I “grow up”. And the only answer I have had that feels 100% right is… I want to be my best original self.
Being myself is a super hard thing for me to do. I know, it sounds crazy… but for someone like me who has quirks and passions for things that many people don’t seem to give a shit about it’s hard. For someone like me who struggles with anxiety and depression and chronic illness, it’s hard. Because, I always feel like I am being judged. I want so badly to not really care what others think, but I have yet to reach that point in my life.
The thing is, I realized very recently that I can care what others think but still do my own thing. I don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything that I do (well, almost anyone). It’s my life and it’s my body. Others don’t have to like it but so long as I don’t lose my job or marriage over it, the overall opinion of others isn’t all that important. I know my marriage isn’t going anywhere bad – so that’s covered. My job is secure. My future career goals are a bit more liberal and open minded than where I am now… so that’s fine.
It’s taken a lot for me to speak up and speak out on things but I have, and each time I am more comfortable with it. I don’t back down just because someone tries to bully me into doing so (a recent debate over circumcision comes to mind – I held my ground and thanks to the knowledge I have was able to stay collected and end the conversation with an agree to disagree instead of saying what I always used to “You’re right”, even when they so obviously aren’t). I have some friends who are on the polar opposite side of me when it comes to social issues. When I say ‘feminist’ they cringe and try to run the opposite direction. But, they have stayed my friends and supportive, even if they don’t totally agree with me most of the time.
So, I am striving to be more me than I ever have been before. I will be authentic and weird and loving. I will be soft and kind, but taking no shit. I will do my best to lift others up, and not tear them down. I know there will be times where I can’t shine as brightly as I want because it may not be deemed appropriate – and for now that’s okay. I will work on tearing one barrier at a time down in my world.
If I want something, I am going for it. I don’t owe explanations to everyone and I just need to remember that.